BITCHES are just that... BITCHES.

It is becoming more apparent to me everyday that there are no such things as friends and that you can only count on yourself. I wish we could rewind time and go back to the days when parents used to raise their children with decency and respect for others. Hell I'd be happy if people just knew and practiced common courtesy. For instance if your "FRIEND" enters their child in a contest and asks you (as their "FRIEND") to vote for their child and makes it obvious that this is important to them. Then you (as their FRIEND") DO NOT vote for their child aS well as every other child in the contest.. You also as their "friend" should have the common courtesy to ask your "friend" if they Mind if you enter your child in a contest that she asked for you to vote for her child in. It's called home training an NO ONE has ot these days. I should start bottling that shit and selling it at walkmart along with a fucking clue and manners. DUMB ASSES.

Betrayal..

Sooo. Here is what happened in my life today... My mother(let's call her H) informed me today that she has decided to get in touch with her mother(jan) , my grandma whom we have not spoken to in 18 years because she allowed my grandpa (her dad) to molest me while my mom left me in her care while my mom would go to work. My mom made this decision because my 8 year old sister(let's call her N) has been crying because she wants to meet her because she "has no extended family" due the fact that N's grandma(let's call her I) [(I call her N's grandma and not my grandma because my dad adopted me at the age of 3 and due to the fact that I am not his blood his family never accepted me as their granddaughter... His mother nor his father(they are divorced and remarried))] has decided to go  back to her old ways of doing prescription pills and drinking wayyyyy too much so N is not allowed to go see her anymore (even though my dad's mom (I) lives right across the street from my parents). So my mom contacted her twin sister to see if it was ok to take my sister to meet my grandma. My grandma supposedly told my mom no (but we are not sure if we really believe her twin sister bc we think she doesnt want to have my mom in the picture because she likes being an only child) and my mom told my dad and he got very upset because they werent accepting my sister and had no desire to have her as apart of the family. Now this is my rational on the whole situation..

First I feel betrayed by mom.. How could she possibly want to have involvement with the woman who allowed her child to be molested. She basically fed me to the wolves so to speak.. In my opinion allowing her back into their lives is like saying it that it is ok.. or that it never happened.. that is not ok. Regardless of the fact that I am 20 what my grandma allowed her husband to do to me still effects me on a daily basis. very much so.


Second I feel that my dad is wrong.. I understand that he loves my sister.. but he NEVER cared that his family didnt accept me. He always just ignored the problem as well as my hurt.. but he is going nuts over the fact that my moms family isnt jumping at the fact to meet the apple of his eye. My dad very often shows favoritism towards my sister and it is finally getting to me after 8 years of dealing with it. I am soooo over dealing with it. he even goes as far as to allow her to disrespect me and DARES me to scold her for it. I am sorry but I refuse to be disrespected by an 8 year old. especially in my own house. How pathetic is it to be belittled by an 8 year old.

ugh i feel so lost!

Friend Couple Wanted!

haha! So everyone knows what friend couples are! The ones where they husbands and wives and kids are all bffl with each other and they spend a ton of free time together. Well I WANT one! NOW! lol! I want a couple for me and my hubs to go out with or to have over for barbecues and our kids to play and to go to the lake or pool with and drink with and shop with etc. We need a friend couple. lol. Ugh why is it so hard to find one! My goodness. We live around an army base you think it'd be so easy to meet a cool couple or age with kids that likes to have fun right? yea.. not so much. :-p

Phew I needed that sleep. Has anyone ever had post partum depression? Even worse has anyone ever thought they had post partum depression but were to ashamed to ask your doctor or talk to anyone about it? I just feel so empty lately, i have to force myself to get out of bed everyday and to do anything.. I want so badly to make friends and feel better about all of this but its so HARD to get over that initial slump to get myself and the kids dressed. I have accomplished and overcame A LOT in my life but I definitely feel like this is probably going to be one of the hardest things I will ever overcome and I feel ashamed because I have these two beautiful babies and my wonderful husband who love me so how can I possibly feel empty right? So I keep blaming it on financial troubles to avoid the reality of what it really is.. I keep telling myself well if I had the money to go get my hair done I'd feel better or if I had the money to pay a babysitter so I can go to the gym I'd feel better or if I had the money to actually buy me some clothes that fit me  instead of wearing hand me downs and clothes from OVER 2 years ago i'd be ok.. it's all brett's fault because of his pre marriage credit card debt we are paying... but is it really? I was fine with the debt before. Why is it jsut now hitting me after Ainsley is born? Does that make sense? I feel like because I am so blessed that these feelings make me a horrible person but no matter what I do they wont go away. I have been praying constantly about it and I just CANT shake them. Not to mention my selfesteem the little that I did have is GONE. No matter what I do I jsut cant seem to make myself feel pretty. It definitely doesnt help that my mom the one person i thought would understand belittles me if i ever try to mention any of this. because of her constant nitpicking at the way my household is ran and her constant jodging of me She makes me feel like no matter what I do and what is going on I have to portray to her that everything is perfect when really I feel broken inside like something is missing. ugh. I jsut want these feelings to go away. I guess Ill quit talking about myself now and go clean like a good wife before brett gets home for work. over and out!

Sweet Ainsley Grace

So I just HAD to mention before I go to bed that my beautiful two month old baby girl is laying beside me just cooing and smiling away. God has truely blessed me. I am SUCH a lucky women. Seeing her warms my heart in a way that only your children can. my goodness. I better hurry to bed because I can not wait to wake up and see my sweet girl and my handsome son's smiling faces. the innoncence of a child is so beautiful! I am so glad god blessed me with these gifts so that I can protect them and keep them safe from the harshness of this world. Goodnight moon. <3

"best" friends...

soo. let's discuss the recent loss (and when I say loss I do not mean death) of my best friend.. lets call her laura. She has until late been my best friend since I was 16 years old. She was an insecure girl and has always been one to put others down to make herself feel better and until recently I always looked past that and found the good in her. Recently she cheated on her boyfriend (who is deployed to afghanistan) and went to florida with a man she had met only two days prior and his two friends. She slept with him multiple times as well as shared a bed with him and another man the entire weekend. She smoked spice and drank herself silly as well as snorted percocets. I know right?? I begged her not to go and told her she was making a mistake.. a dangerous mistake.. but she went anyway. Well, low and behold she posted about this all over fb for her boyfriends godsisters to read and report back to him. Which of course they did and that relationship ended fast giving her the opppurtunity to start a monogamous "friends with benefits" relationship with lets call him Ray with whom she has no intentions in starting a real relationship. She begged my husband and I to meet Ray so we reluctantly gave in and told her that we were on our way home and to meet us at my house. When me, my husband, and my kids arrived at home her and ray were sitting on my front porch and Ray was smoking spice... which is very much illegal not to mention my husband is a military police officer and we are COMPLETELY against smoking spice in our house so after that evening laura's friend ray was no longer welcome at my house. A week after this incident her and brett(my husband) got in to a discussion about Ray smoking the spice and laura told him that my close girlfriends lets call them Bex and Chex also smoke spice and that brett should ask them all about it.. so OBVIOUSLY as im sure you can imagine the next time brett saw bex and chex he asked them about it like she had told him to do. well bex who has never smoked spice got very upset with lauras false accusations and went off on her via text message and in return laura texted me calling me shady and immature (please keep in mind I just 4 hours earlier had recieved a 3 minute long voicemail where laura's friend carol had butt dialed me and laura was talking bad about me the entire 3 minutes but i was willing to ignore it and let it slide because everyone runs their mouth at one time or another..) and proceeded to say that me and my family were just playing house and she was the grown up one of the two of us.. (so I the married woman with a family who doesnt party or do drugs at all is the one playing games and she the one who sleeps with random guys and does drugs etc is the grown up one?? whats wrong with THAT picture?) so we agreed that our friendship at this point was over and I have not spoken to her since the 1st of july. Was terminating this friendship the right thing to do? I mean everyone who knows the situation is offering me their im so sorry that happeneds but I couldnt feel better about my decision.. i feel like i took out the trash in my life so to speak...

Day 1 let's see how today goes.

So I just saw Brett off to work.. It's 3:42 am. Good god! I am going to be EXHAUSTED today. I need to clean this house pretty bad ughh. Had a good friend call me with some bad news. Been praying for her and her husband. Hope it all works out for the best. I HATE how easy it can be for people to become weak and give into temptation in a marriage. :(