BITCHES are just that... BITCHES.

It is becoming more apparent to me everyday that there are no such things as friends and that you can only count on yourself. I wish we could rewind time and go back to the days when parents used to raise their children with decency and respect for others. Hell I'd be happy if people just knew and practiced common courtesy. For instance if your "FRIEND" enters their child in a contest and asks you (as their "FRIEND") to vote for their child and makes it obvious that this is important to them. Then you (as their FRIEND") DO NOT vote for their child aS well as every other child in the contest.. You also as their "friend" should have the common courtesy to ask your "friend" if they Mind if you enter your child in a contest that she asked for you to vote for her child in. It's called home training an NO ONE has ot these days. I should start bottling that shit and selling it at walkmart along with a fucking clue and manners. DUMB ASSES.

Betrayal..

Sooo. Here is what happened in my life today... My mother(let's call her H) informed me today that she has decided to get in touch with her mother(jan) , my grandma whom we have not spoken to in 18 years because she allowed my grandpa (her dad) to molest me while my mom left me in her care while my mom would go to work. My mom made this decision because my 8 year old sister(let's call her N) has been crying because she wants to meet her because she "has no extended family" due the fact that N's grandma(let's call her I) [(I call her N's grandma and not my grandma because my dad adopted me at the age of 3 and due to the fact that I am not his blood his family never accepted me as their granddaughter... His mother nor his father(they are divorced and remarried))] has decided to go  back to her old ways of doing prescription pills and drinking wayyyyy too much so N is not allowed to go see her anymore (even though my dad's mom (I) lives right across the street from my parents). So my mom contacted her twin sister to see if it was ok to take my sister to meet my grandma. My grandma supposedly told my mom no (but we are not sure if we really believe her twin sister bc we think she doesnt want to have my mom in the picture because she likes being an only child) and my mom told my dad and he got very upset because they werent accepting my sister and had no desire to have her as apart of the family. Now this is my rational on the whole situation..

First I feel betrayed by mom.. How could she possibly want to have involvement with the woman who allowed her child to be molested. She basically fed me to the wolves so to speak.. In my opinion allowing her back into their lives is like saying it that it is ok.. or that it never happened.. that is not ok. Regardless of the fact that I am 20 what my grandma allowed her husband to do to me still effects me on a daily basis. very much so.


Second I feel that my dad is wrong.. I understand that he loves my sister.. but he NEVER cared that his family didnt accept me. He always just ignored the problem as well as my hurt.. but he is going nuts over the fact that my moms family isnt jumping at the fact to meet the apple of his eye. My dad very often shows favoritism towards my sister and it is finally getting to me after 8 years of dealing with it. I am soooo over dealing with it. he even goes as far as to allow her to disrespect me and DARES me to scold her for it. I am sorry but I refuse to be disrespected by an 8 year old. especially in my own house. How pathetic is it to be belittled by an 8 year old.

ugh i feel so lost!

Friend Couple Wanted!

haha! So everyone knows what friend couples are! The ones where they husbands and wives and kids are all bffl with each other and they spend a ton of free time together. Well I WANT one! NOW! lol! I want a couple for me and my hubs to go out with or to have over for barbecues and our kids to play and to go to the lake or pool with and drink with and shop with etc. We need a friend couple. lol. Ugh why is it so hard to find one! My goodness. We live around an army base you think it'd be so easy to meet a cool couple or age with kids that likes to have fun right? yea.. not so much. :-p

Phew I needed that sleep. Has anyone ever had post partum depression? Even worse has anyone ever thought they had post partum depression but were to ashamed to ask your doctor or talk to anyone about it? I just feel so empty lately, i have to force myself to get out of bed everyday and to do anything.. I want so badly to make friends and feel better about all of this but its so HARD to get over that initial slump to get myself and the kids dressed. I have accomplished and overcame A LOT in my life but I definitely feel like this is probably going to be one of the hardest things I will ever overcome and I feel ashamed because I have these two beautiful babies and my wonderful husband who love me so how can I possibly feel empty right? So I keep blaming it on financial troubles to avoid the reality of what it really is.. I keep telling myself well if I had the money to go get my hair done I'd feel better or if I had the money to pay a babysitter so I can go to the gym I'd feel better or if I had the money to actually buy me some clothes that fit me  instead of wearing hand me downs and clothes from OVER 2 years ago i'd be ok.. it's all brett's fault because of his pre marriage credit card debt we are paying... but is it really? I was fine with the debt before. Why is it jsut now hitting me after Ainsley is born? Does that make sense? I feel like because I am so blessed that these feelings make me a horrible person but no matter what I do they wont go away. I have been praying constantly about it and I just CANT shake them. Not to mention my selfesteem the little that I did have is GONE. No matter what I do I jsut cant seem to make myself feel pretty. It definitely doesnt help that my mom the one person i thought would understand belittles me if i ever try to mention any of this. because of her constant nitpicking at the way my household is ran and her constant jodging of me She makes me feel like no matter what I do and what is going on I have to portray to her that everything is perfect when really I feel broken inside like something is missing. ugh. I jsut want these feelings to go away. I guess Ill quit talking about myself now and go clean like a good wife before brett gets home for work. over and out!

Sweet Ainsley Grace

So I just HAD to mention before I go to bed that my beautiful two month old baby girl is laying beside me just cooing and smiling away. God has truely blessed me. I am SUCH a lucky women. Seeing her warms my heart in a way that only your children can. my goodness. I better hurry to bed because I can not wait to wake up and see my sweet girl and my handsome son's smiling faces. the innoncence of a child is so beautiful! I am so glad god blessed me with these gifts so that I can protect them and keep them safe from the harshness of this world. Goodnight moon. <3

"best" friends...

soo. let's discuss the recent loss (and when I say loss I do not mean death) of my best friend.. lets call her laura. She has until late been my best friend since I was 16 years old. She was an insecure girl and has always been one to put others down to make herself feel better and until recently I always looked past that and found the good in her. Recently she cheated on her boyfriend (who is deployed to afghanistan) and went to florida with a man she had met only two days prior and his two friends. She slept with him multiple times as well as shared a bed with him and another man the entire weekend. She smoked spice and drank herself silly as well as snorted percocets. I know right?? I begged her not to go and told her she was making a mistake.. a dangerous mistake.. but she went anyway. Well, low and behold she posted about this all over fb for her boyfriends godsisters to read and report back to him. Which of course they did and that relationship ended fast giving her the opppurtunity to start a monogamous "friends with benefits" relationship with lets call him Ray with whom she has no intentions in starting a real relationship. She begged my husband and I to meet Ray so we reluctantly gave in and told her that we were on our way home and to meet us at my house. When me, my husband, and my kids arrived at home her and ray were sitting on my front porch and Ray was smoking spice... which is very much illegal not to mention my husband is a military police officer and we are COMPLETELY against smoking spice in our house so after that evening laura's friend ray was no longer welcome at my house. A week after this incident her and brett(my husband) got in to a discussion about Ray smoking the spice and laura told him that my close girlfriends lets call them Bex and Chex also smoke spice and that brett should ask them all about it.. so OBVIOUSLY as im sure you can imagine the next time brett saw bex and chex he asked them about it like she had told him to do. well bex who has never smoked spice got very upset with lauras false accusations and went off on her via text message and in return laura texted me calling me shady and immature (please keep in mind I just 4 hours earlier had recieved a 3 minute long voicemail where laura's friend carol had butt dialed me and laura was talking bad about me the entire 3 minutes but i was willing to ignore it and let it slide because everyone runs their mouth at one time or another..) and proceeded to say that me and my family were just playing house and she was the grown up one of the two of us.. (so I the married woman with a family who doesnt party or do drugs at all is the one playing games and she the one who sleeps with random guys and does drugs etc is the grown up one?? whats wrong with THAT picture?) so we agreed that our friendship at this point was over and I have not spoken to her since the 1st of july. Was terminating this friendship the right thing to do? I mean everyone who knows the situation is offering me their im so sorry that happeneds but I couldnt feel better about my decision.. i feel like i took out the trash in my life so to speak...

Day 1 let's see how today goes.

So I just saw Brett off to work.. It's 3:42 am. Good god! I am going to be EXHAUSTED today. I need to clean this house pretty bad ughh. Had a good friend call me with some bad news. Been praying for her and her husband. Hope it all works out for the best. I HATE how easy it can be for people to become weak and give into temptation in a marriage. :(

iNTRODUCTiON. . . .

1:45am already?? Well friends, get used to it. I am such a night owl it's not even funny. You'd think with a 2 year old and a 2 month old I'd cherish my sleep... but oh no not me. now let's get on with introductions.. and possibly my autobiography ;)

The name is Miaa. We'll just leave it at that.. I don't want any visits from random strangers at my front door. haha. I am 20, looking forward to making it to 21 in January of 2012 if my kids allow me to keep my sanity until then.I have a husband who is in the army named Brett, a son who is 2 named Gage, and a daughter who is 2 months named Ainsley. I am a nursing student. Thats about all the info youll need to know about me for now. ;) Let's get on to the life story. Thats where it gets VERY interesting.

Let me open by saying I was not the girl who was a drop out or made bad grades.. I did not let my unfortunate circumstances EVER bring me down.. I always grabbed my life by the horns and overcame. Regardless of all the bad I was experiencing I held a 4.0 GPA throughout my school career, I was a cheerleader, I was homecoming queen(you know the girl everyone LOVED to hate on), and on student council, I took ever door that God cracked open for and busted it down to try and better myself. I was told once that the closer you relationship with God gets te more the devil will try you.. well I must certainly have been on good terms with god since the day I was born because god knows I've been tried a lot in the short time I've been alive.. and with that we will get started, whew Where to start... hmm. The beginning obviously. The VERYY beginning. I was born and raised in North Carolina. That's right folks.. a good ole southern girl right here!My mom was 19 when she had me and my "sperm donor" was a cheating bastard. :) I have never met him to this day and have no intentions on doing so. My mom worked 3 jobs to support me so I spent most of the 1st three years of my life with her mom and dad who molested me all three of those years until finally I told my mom what was going on. She immediately packed her things and got us out of that house. You see my mothers family has a looooong history of molestation and MAJOR issues in it. Lordy. We'll save THOSE stories for a later date. anywho, she moved in with her older (10 years to be exact) sister and her husband where we lived until she met my daddy(he adopted me at the age of 3) and they got married and we moved to Hawaii. Nothing to significant happened there for the next 3 years of my life.. except for a few sunburns and a lot of swimming.. At the age of six my daddy got out of the army and we moved back to North Carolina.. and things were pretty dull in my life until JUNIOR HIGH happened.. I was always on the prettier side which automatically makes you hated by ALL the girls at school and in turn made me be friend boys being that they were sooo much easier to get along with. Well in case you didnt know in junior high that makes you a SLUT to everyone in school whether you are a virgin or not. Lucky for me that FABULOUS reputation stuck with me until high school. Where at the ripe old age of 15 I was raped by a family friend. I confided this fact to the one girlfriend I trusted and word traveled fast, like an awful game of telephone, in my small town and it got back to my parents that I was "sleeping with an older man" and they immediately sent me to live with my daddys parents alone (whom I had only met briefly 2 times prior) to attend a Catholic Private School in Maryland as my punishment for this crime I most certainly didnt commit. Needless to say I was distraught and my reputation followed me to my new school and home thanks to my "fantastic" grandparents. They took my cellphone and means of contact with the outside world, made my parents view me as a horrible liar (by tellings lies about thingsI had done to my parents), treated me as an outsider, and belittled me until finally just after New Years 2006 I tried to kill myself by overdosing on pills... my rational for this was death HAD to be better than having NO ONE. And as I slipped off to sleep my last thoughts were maybe i should go lay in the woods in the snow.. that way if the pills dont kill me the cold will and they wont find me until its too late.. when I woke up I was in a rehab for troubled teens. There I went through two weeks of counseling with my parents and voicing everything that had happened and (thinking that I was) working things out with my parents. When I got out my parents FINALLY realized that my dads family were HORRIBLE liars and we moved back to NC. Much to my surprise at my new school I quickly got the reputation of a slut once again without even having a boyfriend. At this point I was fed up with peoples opinions of me and my slutty reputation when I had only ever been raped so I said f%*k it, if you can beat the gossip, live it out and began my sex spree.. from the age of 16 to the age of 18 I had sex with over 30 people(very hard to admit for me because looking back I was very ashamed but you have to understand that after being raped sex no longer has meaning for you. And I figure if my husband knows this about me and still loves and accepts me for me then I dont really care if everyone else does or not. I am currently in a monogamous happy relationship and VERY much looking forward to having sex with ONLY my husband for the rest of my life) and eventually ended up getting pregnant at the age of 18 just before my early grade date by my boyfriend at the time who I thought would love me forever.. typical right? Of course history repeated itself and he showed his true colors as a cheating bastard and jsut as quickly as a I became a pregnant teen I also became a single pregnant teen. His family and himself tried to force me to have an abortion but being the headstrong woman I am told them to go f*%k off and having the support of my mom and dad decided to keep the baby. On June 9, 2009 my handsome son was born.. but not without putting up a fight. Great pregnancy, hell of a delivery. My water broke on the 9th and as soon as I got to labor and delivery they diagnosed me with Helps syndrome and rushed me in for an emergency csection. When my son was 2 months old I got engaged to a guy I had been seeing on and off during my pregnancy.. let's call him.. Bates. Bates and I got engaged right before he deployed to afghanistan which caused quite a bit of turmoil in my life being that my parents DESPISED him and I was living in their house until he came back from deployment. After being engaged to him for 4 months the PTSD kicked in and he began saying things like "im going to kill you" and "you need to see other people" so finally I took his advice and met Brett.. on facebook of course.. (it is after all the new eharmony.. haven't you heard?) we almost immediately hit it off. :) Bates quickly found out after stalking my phonebills and what was left of the relationship QUICKLY came to a DEAD end. My parents were.. less than thrilled to say the least, at the idea of Brett. They are very old fashioned and felt like Brett had done wrong by coming into my relationship when he did.. so needless to say they despised but still I dated him. Things only got worse when to my daddys dismay I began staying (or in my daddys words "shacking up") with brett after only one month of dating..  by two months we were pregnant.. yes i said it.. I was 19, pregnant AGAIN and still not married.. call me STUPID. I was also TERRIFIED to tell Brett for fear that he would leave me just like my sons sperm donor had. But Brett found out and was ecstatic until I miscarried at 5 weeks pregnant. We were so upset at that point that we knew were meant to be together and immediately got engaged.. yes engaged after only 3 months of dating. needless to say my parents were less than thrilled with my being engaged again in less than 4 months after my first engagement ended but still they went along with it. for a month we planned a wedding (keep in mind I have still not met Brett's family and we are also still trying to have a baby) I met bretts family the thursday prior to our wedding and finally Sunday June 6th arrived and it was our wedding day. :) The wedding was quick.. a shotgun wedding... but still beautiful.. and we were married. After being together and knowing each other only 5 months. All the while we were trying to have a baby. Finally in August (2 months after being married) we got pregnant. WITH TWINS! Imagine my shock when the doctor told me it was twins. we were soo excited and anxious about the journey we were about to embark on. At 10 weeks pregnant I began to bleed and the doctor told me that there was now only one viable fetus. I had lost one of the twins.. but still we were happy, we knew we were blessed to have even concieved at all. brett of course wanted another boy and I wanted a girl.. typical right? At 20 weeks we found out we were being blessed with a beautiful baby girl that we decided to name Ainsley Grace. The pregnancy continued on to 38 weeks with A LOT of sickness and VERY high blood pressure along the way. At 5am on May 5,2011 my water broke and after 18 hours of labor and 10 minutes of pushing my BEAUTIFUL Ainsley grace was here... weighing 8lbs with beautiful auburn hair and BIG blue eyes. She has grown quick and gotten to be sooo big these past two months... which brings us to today at 2:37am on July 9, 2011 with my beautiful CHRISTIAN family whom I love with all my heart and would not trade for the world.. trying to further my faith in god on a daily basis and raising these two beautiful blessings that God has allowed me to call my kids. Now happily married for a year and 1 month to my soulmate. Phew. Now wasnt THAT a longgg CRAZY story?? If THAT kept you interested.. follow mee. You definitely in for A LOT more CRAZY days :) Talk to you soon <3