Phew I needed that sleep. Has anyone ever had post partum depression? Even worse has anyone ever thought they had post partum depression but were to ashamed to ask your doctor or talk to anyone about it? I just feel so empty lately, i have to force myself to get out of bed everyday and to do anything.. I want so badly to make friends and feel better about all of this but its so HARD to get over that initial slump to get myself and the kids dressed. I have accomplished and overcame A LOT in my life but I definitely feel like this is probably going to be one of the hardest things I will ever overcome and I feel ashamed because I have these two beautiful babies and my wonderful husband who love me so how can I possibly feel empty right? So I keep blaming it on financial troubles to avoid the reality of what it really is.. I keep telling myself well if I had the money to go get my hair done I'd feel better or if I had the money to pay a babysitter so I can go to the gym I'd feel better or if I had the money to actually buy me some clothes that fit me  instead of wearing hand me downs and clothes from OVER 2 years ago i'd be ok.. it's all brett's fault because of his pre marriage credit card debt we are paying... but is it really? I was fine with the debt before. Why is it jsut now hitting me after Ainsley is born? Does that make sense? I feel like because I am so blessed that these feelings make me a horrible person but no matter what I do they wont go away. I have been praying constantly about it and I just CANT shake them. Not to mention my selfesteem the little that I did have is GONE. No matter what I do I jsut cant seem to make myself feel pretty. It definitely doesnt help that my mom the one person i thought would understand belittles me if i ever try to mention any of this. because of her constant nitpicking at the way my household is ran and her constant jodging of me She makes me feel like no matter what I do and what is going on I have to portray to her that everything is perfect when really I feel broken inside like something is missing. ugh. I jsut want these feelings to go away. I guess Ill quit talking about myself now and go clean like a good wife before brett gets home for work. over and out!